


live through this

by showyourbones



Series: summer playlist 2019 (pre thesis hell) [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Slice of Life, Trauma, here it is, it's basically slice of life, what would happen if i just wrote whatever the fuck i wanted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 02:01:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18729460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showyourbones/pseuds/showyourbones
Summary: taeyong lee at the start of the world.





	1. them

**Author's Note:**

> with every post or whatever i really will put a song...  
> asking for it - hole  
> them changes - thundercat

Taeyong’s mostly happy. Moderately happy, he would say. Moderately happy and adequately bored.

He’s grown a lot this year. He can physically feel it. He’s shifting to accommodate the person he’s going to be. It feels harsh sometimes, being pulled so many different ways, like he’s a superhero whose strength is being able to reach around the world, but feeling like this is for the better.

So, he’s grown, but he’s missing a piece. He didn’t know what that piece was but he had decided it was probably something social. Isn’t he supposed to be living lavish? Partying like crazy? Having a tesla? He has good friends, a decent life, and a good head on his shoulders but what’s all that in the face of decadence? Posts on insta, looking like a rockstar...they may be miserable but they looked so cool.

Taeyong is not cool.

In high school a lot of his free time was spent with his best friends in their basements. It wasn’t lonely though. Jaehyun’s half-brother, Yuta, never left them out of anything for the most part. They may have been two grades below but Yuta wanted to be around his younger brother. So the three of them were invited to do things, invited to new places, where their peers would be.

Yuta wished that Jaehyun, and his friends by extension, was more social. They just didn’t have the same interests, but Jaehyun rarely made it seem like Yuta’s life was frivolous and always indulged his social requests.

Yuta really only cared about soccer in terms of his future, he was never super great at school or interested, while Jaehyun was studious and controlled. Yuta valued Jaehyun like no one else so he bonded with him in every way he knew how. They just got along, living in harmony, wanting the best for each other and sometimes, Taeyong thinks, they were envious of what the other had.

Jaehyun seems unassuming. Bland almost. He’s one of the most interesting people Taeyong knows.

Like how he’s interested in collecting vinyls of old comedy and jazz rarities--weird shit like that. Fun factoids and strange interests that he would never talk about unprompted but when he did people realized what his passive smiles really meant.

So, Taeyong’s got Jaehyun. And they have Johnny.

Johnny’s fun; a lot more fun than the both of them. He’s got an awkward tongue that works for him. Growing up, Johnny’s mom was super religious to the point of obsession and control. She’s really only gotten worse but Johnny, without realizing, had started to fragment himself for self-preservation. He’s slowly but surely chipping at their co-dependent bond. In the beginning, Johnny had to be eased into even being in a room with alcohol but now he’s really into guzzling down whiskey after an edible. He doesn’t live recklessly or anything but he acts his age, or, runs on impulse. He wasn’t let out of his cage he just learned to venture out of it after years of being told a hug is sexual intercourse.

They always stick together.

Taeyong really only needed what he had back then he supposes. It’s enough. Sometimes he wonders if the three of them could have gotten up to more shit when they were younger. Their most insane night out was when Taeyong devoured an edible, got to third base with some girl, and had a panic attack in Jaehyun’s room. He’s progressed! He hasn’t had a panic attack from drugs in at least a year.

He’s got some things he wants to do: buy his mom a house somehow, be a journalist, get all his shit in order, be fulfilled. He’s so close to getting his degree; the extensive research he’s collecting for his thesis building up in a promising way.

He’s going to be something. He can’t describe himself right now, he can’t pick a color he would identify with in personality or values, sometimes he feels so lost. He decided he was going to know himself. He’s made a vow: this summer, when he visits home before his last year of college, he’s gonna be as free as he can.

.

“Hey, I’m a bit late. Can I?” Taeyong asks the host of their fav pub, pointing towards the back. She must be new because he can’t recognize her and he didn’t want to blow past her without being polite.

“Yea, what’s the name? I can take you,” she says, smiling. She brings her fingers to the touchpad.

“JJ?” He gives with a small laugh. Her eyes light up in recognition. Clearly they left an impression.

In 7th grade, Taeyong decided he was going to be friends with Jaehyun and Johnny forever. According to him, giving them nicknames bound them for life. He thought it would be funny to have a singular moniker for the two of them confusing people when they referenced it. It was one of those stupid dumb joke things that stuck. Now, if JJ are reserving something, they always put that down.

She takes him to the beer garden and leaves with a salute. She knows JJ’s full of shit then.

They chain smoke, talking about nonsense, having nothing to say is new because they talked this morning in the GC. And they saw each other yesterday.

Taeyong keeps burning his fingers on cigarettes so he has to cool them on the fourth condensed glass he’s drinking to keep warm. The pizza he ate was good, the little bite of the wind is nice, and the people he’s with are his forever. He feels light, unburdened with uncertainty.

He’s gotta pee.

When he gets back from his 5th pee break, Johnny breaks out his phone. Taeyong is completely uninterested so he ignores them in favor of lighting another cigarette. He stares off for a bit, listening to Johnny chatter away at Jaehyun, asking for his opinions on girls as they scroll through tinder. After two minutes, Taeyong’s had enough.

“No,” Taeyong says. He snatches Johnny’s phone and Jaehyun whines about not being able to inspect the profile.

“What?” Johnny says, straightening his back. He looks between Jaehyun and Taeyong. “I’m trying to help. Just because you both don’t get laid—“

“Johnny.” Jaehyun gives him a look. “No one’s getting their dick wet right now.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes.

Johnny lost his virginity first in their last year of high school. He’s weird about sex because of his mom so he “uses” dating apps but not once has Taeyong seen a hook up from one. Strangely, though he and his ex, Seo Hyung broke up, they have hooked up multiple times at school. They ended up at the same college claiming complete shock at this high probability outcome.

Frankly, Taeyong believes that they both knew and they did it on purpose. Johnny’s constant is, and has always been, Seo Hyung. He’s only slept with like one and a half other people and he literally never talks about them. He seems to know many details about sex with Seo Hyung though. They’re even specifically going out to see Seo Hyung, not having seen her and other friends for 2 weeks since they all left for break.

They are partners even if they won’t say it.

“How’s Seo Hyung ssi?” Taeyong asks pointedly. Yea, Johnny’s not gonna fuck this up for himself and definitely not for his girlfriend. None of them know what the fuck they’re doing at any given time. That’s part of why they’re friends; to stop destruction. Johnny’s size measures up to the destruction he can cause. He’s pretty good at taking responsibility and fixing shit only after he’s messed it up.

Johnny stammers, searching for something to say and glaring, which means he’s lowkey ruffled at the call out. Taeyong smirks.

He blows out, looking at the time in his periphery. He jumps. “Shit man.” He starts throwing JJ’s things at them.

Johnny gets hit and he hisses, confused, but he looks down at his phone. “Oh no.”

“What?” Jaehyun catches on a moment after he asks. He hates being rushed. “We’re real fucking late. Jesus man can you do anything for your fucking girlf-“ He cuts Johnny off at the look he gives him. “Don’t say shit.”

Suddenly, Jaehyun and Taeyong run away, going through the restaurant, sticking Johnny with the bill.  
.

Lee Seo Hyung has an older brother who owns some property. They clash because, according to her: he has way too much money, his wife and her parents suck, and he doesn’t do enough for the planet.

Anyway, Seo Woo has enough money to buy property. He lets his little sister use said property when she needs a break from her parents, or needs to work alone, or wants to hang somewhere more spacious and free with her friends. She may not believe in the acquisition, existence, and upkeep but this was hers to use. So, by her estimation, if she doesn’t use the hoarded space then who will?

Johnny immediately senses Seo Hyung. He’s taken her flat warm beer and given her his own new, cold one because he knows she likes this fancy bougie beer cold but she was too into her conversation to get a new one. Johnny looks made for this place. He fits right into the style of Seo Woo’s ridiculous minimalist (and unused) kitchen.

Seo Woo loves Johnny. Another flaw.

He’s gripping her waist, stroking the skin under her shirt, but she’s not reacting to him at all. The night could go either way: tears (Johnny’s) or fucking. Taeyong sighs.

The allure of heterosexual relationships really rubs off when you’re with people in those relationships. His friends aren’t like those awful couples that hate their partner. The weirdos who joke about dismembering their boyfriend or something. They’s all just in their 20s and love drama.

That wasn’t his problem right now. He wants to have fun and mind his business. He might have to damage control later but for now, he was putting his ‘living wild and being BOLD’ plan into action.

Someone hands him a drink he recognizes as some trash Jaehyun made the minute he sips from the cup. He holds it in his hand and focuses on the beads of sweat running from the red cup. He gets lost in a mindless loop from the sensation instead of listening to what’s happening around him.

Why would a woman date a man? Or kiss him? Johnny? He thinks, brows furrowed. When he realizes he probably looks ridiculous, he laughs but for some reason it’s out loud. Immediately, he covers his mouth.

He’s embarrassed, kind of drunk, standing in Lee Seo Woo’s apartment. There are so many people around; some he knows and some he’s never seen before. He knows he’s feeling a bit overstimulated because he bristles at the thought of being asked what he was thinking. He might just fuck around and tell them.

Rationally he knows no one gives a fuck but he’s formulating his escape when a group swipes past him. He’s forced forward a little, some of his drink spilling onto him. One of the guys in the group apologizes to him. He’s been here enough times to know that they’re headed to the rooftop where a spacious plot of rich people land exists.

He sighs, looking down, his shirt now damp with Jaehyun’s ridiculous concoction, and lies about going to the bathroom to wash up.

He looks for some vacancy when he reaches the roof. He doesn’t want to look totally alone so he looks at his phone as he makes his way over to a lone wooden beach chair situated in a corner by the ledge. He sits, pushes himself a little further but not completely laying down, to look at the skyline.

The city’s pretty brilliant at night, disgusting air quality aside. At least Seo Woo knew good space when he saw one.

Loud-ish cheers erupt and he’s startled from tracing the constellations. He turns his head in the direction of the noise. He sees Taeil and laughs, completely unsurprised. Apparently Taeil just got back from the bathroom not, like, fucking Australia. It figures. Anything he does is basically mind-altering.

Moon Taeil: Yuta’s best friend. They all grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same schools, and went to the same college but he and Taeil were never particularly close. He didn’t think Taeil disliked him he just wasn’t on his radar like other people were.

Their school was private, which of course came with built-in biases, but it wasn’t completely like in the movies. Yuta and his friends were sporty, athletic, good looking. Cool. While some of the group graduated, while other friends finished a year later, they would always be remembered. When they left he and JJ were mostly fine.

They did and said what they wanted, which really wasn’t much, and did their work. Johnny and Taeyong were going through a long and ridiculous emo phase, too, so he didn’t think people were that interested. Some things about high school were good, a good chunk of them were bad, but most of them completely underwhelming.

He catches Taeil’s eye as they flit his way for a millisecond. He doesn’t register that he saw Taeyong because he looks back to his group as quick as he came.

In high school, Taeil would pull people in with small smiles. In the hallway, acknowledged someone when they passed by, he was kind but he wasn’t explicitly nice. You couldn’t see everything he did but it was genuine. Taeyong remembers Taeil being more talkative when they were younger but as they grew up he was more careful with his words. It heightened Taeil’s natural enigmatism but Taeyong always wanted to know why he became so much quieter.

And he wasn’t nearly as outgoing as Yuta, nor as talkative as their other friends, but he was the coolest. Rather than a teen fighting their awkward phase, he went with it which made him seem light years ahead of everyone else. He had the ability to manipulate and twist that in his favor, some of their friends definitely took advantage of that, but he wouldn’t. He never exploited the fact that you couldn’t forget him if you tried. He was the ultimate friend, boyfriend, person. You wanted him but couldn’t have him and that was okay because him being here was enough. He was comfort personified.

Taeyong didn’t have a thing for him, though, but he did for Yuta. Because of Jaehyun, they’re close, way closer than people would assume. Taeyong’s still attached to him but he’s grown out of the intense crush-slash-worship just like Yuta said he would

Despite the lack of romantic feelings for Taeil, he was still special...so maybe not having a crush isn’t right. Having a crush on Taeil was a baseline emotion for someone at Jeong Guk High School. You couldn’t really look away from him.

Taeyong couldn’t stop thinking about how he was back then. How he wished he was connected to Taeil like he and JJ were with Yuta. He walks into a room, could literally not say a word the whole conversation, but his presence speaks volumes. He used to want to be as confident and at peace as he thought Taeil was. Taeyong’s not in love but he knows he used to crave Taeil’s undivided attention. He loved being loved.

Taeyong looks around absentmindedly; his brain thinks of Yuta so he searches for him when he doesn’t see him by Taeil. Yuta’s especially cute when he drinks. According to Jaehyun, “brooooo” was gonna be late because he was busy with “dunno” which gave Taeyong absolutely no information. But if Jaehyun knew Yuta was okay and he decided that was all the explanation Taeyong needed, it was all he was gonna get.

He snorts (quietly) and scoots towards the edge of his chair. He closes his eyes, looming over the ledge, to suck in the crisp night air. He opens them when he breathes out, immediately spotting Johnny and Seo Hyung outside. He can’t hear what they’re saying, obviously, but the body language is easy enough to read.

Before they met up, Johnny texted in the GC that she had really wanted to see them. At a normal time. He’s no stranger to being late which clearly screamed insensitivity to Seo Hyung (which it was) so she asked him to be on time or, at least, fashionably late.

Three hours after it started they arrived. Peak Asshole Johnny. Johnny knows he’s been fucking up lately. He’s been letting his mom take up a lot of his time which always means self-sabotage. He does know. He nods and cups her face in his hands as she talks. She’s shorter than him but not by much. He’s stroking her cheek; it’s nice but--Taeyong whips around when he hears something.

“Christ,” he almost shouts, totally startled by Taeil. He looks bemused. “I didn’t see you.”

“Are you calling me short?” he raises an eyebrow, taking a drag of his spliff.

Ah shit. “No, like-“ Taeyong pulls at his ear and squints. “No dude. Oh my god.” He puts his temple in his hands then peeks behind his fingers.

Taeil laughs lightly and sticks his tongue out for a sec. “Yea?” It’s cute.

When he sticks out his tongue.

The way he sounds when he poses a rhetorical question.

Taeyong feels lonely, Johnny and Seo Hyung flashing in his mind. It’s not new or anything, he’s used to it. Times like these are when he’s glad that he has standards. Which Taeil is in no way not meeting. He’s in another league. Just….Taeyong didn’t want his loneliness to lead him to anybody like it has before.

The spliff that hangs precariously from Taeil’s mouth is distracting.

When the embers die off, needing to be relit, Taeil looks for his lighter. Taeyong, being the biggest dummy on the planet, doesn’t have one with him. He can’t distract himself as Taeil simultaneously engages him and looks for his lighter.

“Where’s Yuta?” He checks his watch. It’s a nervous habit. On the rare occasions he wasn’t wearing one he’d glance down at an imaginary one. It’s a good placeholder though and perfect subject change.

“You still have a crush on him?” Taeil laughs at the faces Taeyong makes. He finds his lighter. “Sorry I didn’t ask, man. Do you want one?”

He juts his chin out, indicating the spliff. Taeyong does except, of course, Taeil and Yuta only use loose tobacco. Taeyong never mastered the art of it; he can’t roll a spliff, a joint, nothin’. Professional drug doer and cool person, Taeyong Lee.

“I can’t uhhhh,” Taeyong taps his feet and shuts his mouth.

“Still can’t roll?” Taeil teases. If he were 13 he definitely would have swooned, rushing to call a family meeting with JJ.

What does this mean for Yuta and I? he would say. He wouldn’t want to cheapen his love for him, you know?

The same as before. Nothing. Jaehyun would answer.

“I cannot,” he confirms. Then he squints. “I do not have a crush on Yuta.” Anymore. Sometimes.

“Sorry,” he smiles. It’s quick but meaningful. He clears his throat. It’s something he does often. Taeyong remembers Taeil’s band. “I didn’t notice you before so I wanted to make sure I said hi.”

“Huh?” Taeyong stares. Taeil stares back. “Sorry just uh…you would huh?”

“I have no clue what that-”

“Well yea but.” He pauses, trying to collect his thoughts, “I mean I don’t know.” Taeil looks confused but he laughs so that’s a good thing maybe. The spliff dies again but he keeps it in is mouth, rummaging in his pockets for tobacco and papers.

“You don’t have to…” Taeyong trails off when Taeil shrugs. “Wanna?” He gestures towards the chair then adds, for clarity, “Sit?”

Taeil doesn’t answer as is his wont; he’s focused, like he wants to roll a good one. He’s relaxed like he knows he will. Taeyong’s stuck trying to figure out what to do with his body in relation to the chair as he waits.

He needs to fucking relax. Taeyong decides to just chill--demands his body really. Breathes deep and begs his bones to relax like his therapist recommend. He lets himself look at the rolling process, he looks between Taeil’s face and his fingers. He may be looking down but he notices eyes on him, Taeyong staring, and he acknowledges him without raising his head.

A hollow ringing starts to rise in his ears. He’s so hyper aware of their bodies.

Wordlessly Taeil moves closer to the chair, which startles Taeyong, until he processes that his friends have joined them. He hates when he lets go off the time like that but he was in some sort of Taeil-induced tranced. Taeil looks down at him; he wants to know if Taeyong is gucci.

Taeyong turns away from him.

“Everything okay?” Taeyong asks.

His heart skips a beat in an anxious way when he sees that Johnny isn’t with Seo Hyung.

“It’s alright,” Johnny nods. “We got it.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “They were literally made for each other. Isn’t there something like this in the bible?” He brushes by Johnny and forces his way on the chair completely disregarding Taeyong’s person. “I’ve read the bible Johnny don’t answer that.” Jaehyun, raised an atheist, has read the bible for fun.

Oh god.

“Alright,” Johnny sputters. He’s blushing.

Taeyong cringes because, although two years is in no way a big difference, he’s scared that Taeil still thinks of them as kids. Johnny sounds 5; unable to form complete sentences when he thinks of Seo Hyung. What if Taeil’s thinking of when he was 15 and they were 13 instead of now, 24 and 22.

He wants to put his head between his knees. Then perish.

The three of them aren’t wild cool but they’re not fucking incels and they’re best friends and they have relative fun. So why did JJ bring up the bible and end brain functioning over a 5 second break up with the love of his life. Why did JJ anything is the question.

Finally, he thinks, catching a glimpse of Yuta and his friend. He vaguely remembers the dude Yuta’s with. He’s definitely seen him on campus a couple of times. Although, every time he did see him, he was in an opposing team’s uniform. Yuta, the coolest boy on earth maybe, smiles at him, showing all 100 of his teeth. Taeyong doesn’t have to say hi to him, he smiles just as big back, exactly like he does with JJ.

Taeil’s crouching; he’s not done with it because he got distracted.

“You embarrassed?” Taeil asks. He looks up while he licks the papers for adherence. Taeil’s showing off so Taeyong can’t help but visibly roll his eyes.

“Hurry up. And No,” he mumbles, sounding so whiny. They’re all so goddamn loud so no one is paying attention. He can be petulant over being reminded of a crush that doesn’t exist because he is an ADULT.

Taeil smooths the out the spliff. He erupts in genuine laughter, this ridiculous stupid face, when he looks at Taeyong. He smiles when he settles down; it isn’t mind blowing or anything, different from the small smiles he doles out, but it was intentional. It’s sweet and nostalgic like his brain’s just found an old film reel. Taeyong wonders what he’s thinking.

“You’re definitely not a kid.” Taeil smooths it out once more before handing it over. Handing it over near Taeyong’s mouth.

“What the fuck?” He’s alarmed. Not alarmed…confused? Because what the fuck? He quickly sticks the spliff in his mouth himself, motioning for a light. Taeil looks at him but doesn’t move. It’s unnerving.

He doesn’t, hasn’t, wouldn’t (coudn’t? shouldn’t? his mind can’t stop racing) acknowledge Taeyong like this at least not really. Like, sometimes, he would almost feel like all of Taeil’s attention was on him but his rational mind said that wasn’t true. Or maybe it was but Taeyong doesn’t know and it actually doesn’t matter because when he feels Taeil’s warmth get closer to his he loses his train of thought.

Taeil braces a hand on the back of Taeyong’s neck, needing to be steady, as he lights the cigarette in Taeyong's mouth. Taeil brings his spliff to the lit end of Taeyong's. In his mouth.

They look at each other, really look. At least Taeyong is. Time feels slow, like molasses, yet seconds are ticking by. It’s not like they're staring into each other's eyes or it's romantic. They're searching, learning, eyes taking everything in. It feels like they’re meeting each other for the first time in a few years. After being worlds apart from this person you have to get re-acquainted with what you know then apply that to the present. There's a thread, frayed but never broken off, and it's still being unraveled. Familiar.

Taeyong inhales. Taeil gets up.


	2. changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sex money feelings die - lykke li  
> planet telex - radiohead

Taeyong looks at Yuta who is silently communicating with Taeil. Yuta starts winking and wiggling his eyebrows. They look stupid but they’ve always had their own language. Taeyong hopes it has nothing to do with himself.

His ensuing anxiety is put on hold when the both of them jump back into the conversation on the right beat. Jaehyun’s making the circle laugh, he probably made up some bullshit story, and smile.

Taeyong smiles, too, even though he has no clue what was said. He scoots back on the chair, half laying on top of Jaehyun, and closes his eyes.

.

His mind is racing, his palms are sweating, he can’t focus; beads of sweat roll down his face.

He’s hot. Hot-hot, sticky, wet, warm. Disgusting.  All the plants they keep can’t survive here. And _fuck_ the A/C isn’t working.

No one has texted him about plans, though he’s not even sure he wants go out, and he’s _bored_ and _alone_.

Shirtless and miserable, he flops face-down on his parent’s bed. To make their apartment liveable every window in the apartment is open and he blasts the fans they have and the fan for their house.

He can’t really hear his surroundings due to the million fans that are going but he knows he’s safe. The apartment is small, not like the kids he grew up with, something he used to be so ashamed of, so he’ll know if there’s an intruder.

He tries to visualize a pleasing image, a beach perhaps, but the music’s too loud and his mind screams _boredddddddd._

He needs attention.

The dogs aren’t even home. He _could_ get the cat but she’s sleeping. Bee’s docile and sweet, she wouldn’t mind being woken up to cuddle, but he leaves her alone. After a positively busy day doing nothing she must rest.

He contemplates calling literally anyone to use their A/C. He wonders if Taeil is this miserable.

He turns himself onto his back to unlock his phone. His fingers hover over the keyboard. It’s a new chat window; it’s been so long since he and Taeil have communicated one-on-one. The last private conversation was nebulous, probably a text from him when no one else would answer.

He smiles at the contact picture, a drawing of a tiny circle with eyes, instead of a picture. Taeil drew it after school one day. It made him laugh so he set it as the ID. He vaguely recalls that it wasn’t really supposed to be a moon. For the name, it just says _Tel_. It’s a nickname no one uses any more but it’s cute. It probably looks impersonal.

He bites his lip. 

 _Why do you think I still like Yuta? Do I act like it? I haven’t seen you in like 2 months why are you making fun of me?_ Taeyong sends. Normally he uses chatspeak but right now he needs to look like he can carry an intelligent conversation. He’s not too sure the content of the text reflects that. 

He’s stressin’ when there’s still no reply after _five minutes_ . It’s rude and no one likes waiting! When his phone finally lights up and buzzes, he glares at it. 6 minutes. _I see_ , he thinks.

 **Tel** _: Do you? Am I?_

Taeyong doesn’t know if that means the conversation is over. The way his eyes roll would be enough for them to get stuck.

 _Oh,_ he sends back _._ What else should he say? 

The typing bubbles appear and disappear at least 5 times. Taeil’s either typing and deleting, writing something super long, or recording an audio message. It looks like he wants to chat with Taeyong. He wouldn’t mind his attention.

 **Tel** : _Oh shit! Sorry left a character in the box lol_

Taeyong looks at his phone like he’s on _The Office_.

 **Tel:** _Hope you weren’t waiting for a reply!! Hahahhah_

Taeyong squints.

Ha. Attention his ass.

_married w/ kids now. daughter says hi._

Fuck typing correctly.

Taeil responds with three laughing emojis.

_GN._

**Tel:** _are you serious??  
_ **Tel:** _it’s okay if you are. jw_

He’s not _completely_ serious.

_Y._

**Tel:** _btw tell her (ur daughter) I said whatup  
_ **Tel:** _you haven’t changed. . .  cute_

 

What the fuck kind of response _is this_? Taeil’s joking, or being friendly, or just saying what he feels like. Whatever it is, it seems like he cares about what Taeyong thinks. Then he’ll say or do something flippant, like he’s just realizing Taeyong is an entity he’s known for most of his life.

Taeyong’s not uptight. Really, he isn’t! Just insecure and sensitive. His parents tell him that he’s just fine the way he is, thank you and he’s not but whatever.

 

 **Tel:** _didn’t realize you were waiting!!! ...sorry man_

 _all good. probs never happens 2 u.  
_ _u get_ prompt _responses.  
_ _how long does it take a girl to  
_ _respond to ur tinder msgsz_

 **Tel:** _LOL_

_oh shit they must msg u first_

**Tel:** _trust me it does  
_ **Tel:** _happen to me i mean  
_ **Tel:** _ty track_

 

Taeyong yells. He knows for a fact five, _maybe_ six, people know about that stupid nickname. He’s going to kill Mark. _WHY DID TAEIL JUST TEXT CALL ME TY TRACK?_ He taps out, almost violently, to ‘Maybe: Mark Lee.'

 **Tel** : _i dont know what tinder is_  

Taeil is trolling, he thinks. He’s pretty sure that he’s trolling. Either way it’s a pretty Taeil-like response. His phone buzzes.

 **Tel:** _got a question. you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, ok?_

There’s another lull after the chat bubbles appear and disappear. Taeyong prepares to type something passive-aggressive like _WHAT_ when the chat bubbles appear again.

 **Tel:** _so seo ji?  
_ **Tel:** _seo hyung’s unnie..._

He rolls his eyes because he very obviously knows who she is. Seo Hyung’s been close to them for years. Not to mention, their community has existed for so long; generations of homes, families, younger parents with newborns. His parents do a lot of community work to slow down re-development. It’s just...even if their part of the city changes their shared history doesn’t.

And this is what Taeyong _means_. Taeil’s understanding of Taeyong isn’t full. It doesn’t have to be; to Taeil he’s more like a presence. An idea rather than an actually important person in Taeil’s world. 

He didn’t want to be reminded all the time. Whatever.

He’s heard from others that Taeil and Seo Ji are still close. They look good together _and_ she’s shorter than him which is a big deal! He chortles, filing that one away for later.

Anyway, Taeyong doesn’t really _like_ Seo Ji. No, he definitely doesn’t like her. She’s not a great person. But congratulations to Taeil on their coupling.

Not wanting to seem like a complete hater, he goes with his safest reply.

 

_o worm? R u guys still 2gethr?_

**Tel:** _your typinggggg loool  
_ **Tel:** _when i type ‘yr’ ‘ur’ ‘yr’ (year) i think of you haha  
_ **Tel:** _nope btw not together_

 

Ridiculous. The few solid memories he has of Taeyong are all useless and weird. His crowning glory: typing like a blogger he followed when he was younger because he _still_ thinks it’s funny.

 

_hyungggggggggggggggg  
_ _wtj  
_ _*wtf  
_ _?????_

**Tel:** _lol_

_Y R U Laughing?_

**Tel:** _BC U R Funny.. is that ok?_

 

Taeil thinks he’s hilarious (he is.)

 

_ur so weird like how do u even remember useless sh*t like that  
_ _n e ways  
_ _seo ji  
_ _noona  
_ _what abt_

He waits.

_V. BUSY HURRY PLS_

 

His phone lights up during his nth check in a minute. It’s continuously vibrating...it’s _ringing._ Taeil is _calling_ him

He picks up, puts the phone on speaker, and doesn’t say anything.

“Hello?” Taeil’s laugh is tinny but his melodic voice still carries. Taeyong isn’t stunned or anything but he enjoys the way he sounds through the speaker. “What do you mean how do I remember? Is censoring a new thing you kids do, by the way? You do it on your facebook. Twitter, too.”

“You’re literally 2 years old...er….uh…..” Taeyong trails, really hearing the whole sentence. He sits up immediately. “Holy shit, hold up, did you say twitter?”

“Yea.” He sounds like he’s looking for something in his room not paying attention to the conversation. 

“Who told you that?” He presses. _Mark_ . _“_ Why are you looking at my twitter?” He hears a thump followed by a sigh. 

“Didn’t I tell you ‘B-C U-R’ funny?”

Taeyong tries again, “Taeil--” 

“I’ve followed you since senior year,” Taeil interrupts. Like that actually answers Taeyong’s _very legitimate_ question. Why was he following him when he was already in college. “My senior year.” 

High school. Oh, no, that’s even worse. He’s about ready to yikes himself off this planet. “It’s not embarrassing,” Taeil explains, “well--”

Taeyong cuts him off.

“Don’t say anything about it! Don’t tell me what you think. Oh my god. Don’t fucking lurk why wouldn’t you answer them?”

“Relax,” Taeil laughs. It’s so floaty and he actually sounds like he’s paying attention. “You okay? You’ve always been on another plane but I dunno. Extra energy from the end of the school year?” 

“I’m Yuta’s younger brother’s best friend,” he says, like it makes any sense. Taeyoung takes the affirming _hmm_ as a sign to continue. “I feel like I’m not a person? To you?” He laughs derisively. “Do you really know anything about me?” 

He wants to add _like I know about you_ but he can’t say it without cringing. 

It stings sometimes, being forgotten. Taeyong always felt ten steps behind most people; a runner with no direction who can’t seem to pass the baton.

To his estimation (which he hopes is accurate) no one finds him, like, annoying or too weird and repulsive. Some of Taeil and Yuta’s friends for sure thought that he and JJ were beneath them. They’ve gotten into a small share of fights but that’s because a lot of people are fucking dicks. That’s not enough for Taeyong to feel so far away.

He doesn’t know what to do to be bigger and brighter. To get the moths to his flame. It’s bigger than wanting to be liked. It’s the fear of being disposable. That kind of fear triples when he meets new people.

He remembers the first time he met Yuta and Taeil’s friends. Most of them live in the center city full-time for school or work; Yuta likes to call pretty often to make plans. He and Jaehyun have to see or talk to each other at least once every week, anyway. _Let’s_ _hang out, it’s Friday! Meet our other friends!_  

The first time he met them was in a bar Taeyong had never been to. He was off-balanced. Where would they sit? Where was the bathroom? He couldn’t look like a first-timer, searching for it, even though he _was_ . He met like 5 people maximum that night; foggy because he got _hammered._ He couldn’t fathom, on that particular day, wowing anybody new while sober. 

Shocker of all shocks, it ended up being nice.

No one was malicious when they teased him for needing to stop in front of the subway station for ten minutes. _Taeil’s friends coooll,_ he had thought at the time, _better than his favs back home._

He remembers clutching Taeil’s leg. He was paying attention to his friends and petting Taeyong’s hair.

 _I know my limit. Just gimme a sec_ , he promised. They were so nice about it, saying they weren’t in a rush. 

These people liked them? he and JJ. They thought they were _interesting_ and _funny._ It didn’t matter if he wasn’t amazingly cool. They’re cool enough _for_ him.

And Taeyong could be a slightly less alarmed version of himself. He blushes at the memory. He really fucking clung to Taeil that night.

Maybe that’s why they would remember him. Taeyong didn’t really _stick_. How could he possibly to that many people? That night would do it though. It’s a good thing, though, cause hangs out with the others routinely. He’s, unsurprisingly, closer to most of them than he is to Taeil.

So, Taeil’s right about his behavior. Constant questioning of self aside, he wasn’t always this high-strung. Taeil doesn’t know that he’s on this journey to being centered or whatever though.

He read once, in _GQ,_ of this balance between The Fours: good (being humane), fun (being social), intelligent (a good career), and sexy (a man.) He had practically none of that. His goal was to have reached this Four possession by 25. He’s giving himself 3 whole years to get his shit together, the summer is just an accelerator.

What defines him? When he’s gone, what do people think of him? What’s that term about existing even when it’s gone.

“Object permanence,” he thinks out loud.

“Object permanence?”

He doesn’t mind Taeil asking about it.

“Yea. Like when something isn’t tangible anymore but the importance is still there?”

“Yea…” Taeil trails off. “You’re a lit major, right? Are you writing about it or something?”

“Maybe.” Taeyong shrugs. 

Taeil hums. “Taeyong?” 

“Yea?”

“Good now?” Taeil sounds amused.

“Yea, fine. Chill. I am.” He rubs his sweaty hand on the special comforter he got his mom for Christmas. “I didn’t mean to be weird. We haven’t seen each other in a while.”

“You’re fine,” Taeil responds, assured and firm. It’s too hot to dissect this.

“I feel like I am being peak your best friend’s weird younger brother’s even weirder best friend." 

“Well, you are weird Jaehyun’s even weirder best friend.”

Taeyong’s face drops. _Well. Fuck me I guess._

“I’m joking,” he adds quickly. He probably knew what Taeyong was thinking. “You’ve always been more than that.”

“Why are you being so weird? Oh my god...did you have a crush on me?” Taeyong blurts out. Yea, Taeil was sounding strange but he didn’t have to jump to _this._  

“No?” Taeil laughs. “There’s no reason why I couldn’t have, you know? But I didn’t. You would have known.”

Taeyong stares at his phone. 

“Your sexuality says otherwise.”

“Hmmm, you’re smart enough to figure out what I meant,” Taeil responds, quick to move on. “Seo Ji asked me about Seo Hyung and Johnny. I wasn’t sure what to say, so please advise.”

Taeyong grinned. The guy who could get a sponge to spill its secrets. Taeyong is only _half_ -sponge.

“Yea, they’re fine. Just tell her they’re fine,” he mumbles. He should end it there. He’s pretty sure Seo Ji is doing this on purpose and boys are dumb.

  
“...that it?” 

Ha! Taeyong knew it.

“If Seo Ji wants to know more about Seo Hyung’s life, which she does, then she can call her. Which she won’t. She’s horrible not-” Taeyong backtracks before he can insult her, “Uh...I fucked that up. She’s very intuitive. Tell her to pick up a phone.”

He thinks what he said was okay because Taeil is laughing in his signature weird stuttered giggle. “Well, I’m kinda curious about what’s been going on?”

“You are not! You’re a liaaaaaaaaaaaar.” Taeyong practically hollers. No way he cared about shit like this.

“I am! Tell me?”

 _Tell me?_ Well, Taeyong has to answer now. If it were anyone else, he’d think the coyness was an act. Sirens are beautiful, right? Their purpose is to take the life of men who don’t think about anything more than that. God, he has no _idea_ what kind of creature Taeil is.

“Fine but then you gotta tell me something.” At Taeil’s okay (his silence) he says, “You can’t laugh if I sound dumb, alright?”

“Ok,” Taeil breathes out. He was holding it for effect.

“We’ve all been busy, Seo Ji and Johnny haven’t seen each other in a while, whatever. She invited us to come  at about 8 but we went out before that and ate and drank. We weren’t really paying attention to the time. It would have been fine if it wasn’t Johnny. He gets especially stuck in himself when he’s stressed you know? We were _three hours_ late.”

Taeyong sighs before continuing. “Plus, they’re not together officially or whatever and it’s annoying all of us.”

He bristles when Taeil doesn’t say anything.

“Dude I just explained the dumbest drama to you, are you gonna say anything?”

“I’m _thinking_ ,” Taeil chides. “I dunno.”

I dunno? _That’s_ what he says after he’s done “thinking”?

“Really,” Taeyong responds, deadpan. 

“It’s not dumb,” he explains, ignoring him. “They’re always together even when they’re not. Does that make sense? They’ve been in love for a long time. The label doesn’t matter at this point. Honestly, their relationship is pretty strong for people our age.”

Taeyong has to admit his answer is pretty good. Except for the ‘no label’ part. He wasn’t gonna dwell on it but Taeil was wrong.

“By the way.” Taeil clears his throat. “I’ve never told you this before. The way you are with Seo Hyung? Cute.”

Taeyong’s malfunctioning; this is the second time he’s been called cute!

“So….what did you want to know?” Taeil asks sincerely. He seems totally okay talking about it.

Go big or go home.

“Why do you like her?” Taeyong doesn’t have to clarify.

He’s never understood Seo Ji’s exact purpose or function in society but maybe he will after their conversation. Anything is possible.

“That’s your question?” Taeil says, passive.

 _Oh my god why would you ask him that dummy?_ Taeyong chastises himself. He has to set himself on fire. 

“Stop embarrassing me!” He says, meant to reply. “When she was in 10th grade she kissed me which is how I knew I probably didn’t, you know, totally love girls,” he admits. “I mean I do like girls but--doesn’t matter. Did you know that Seo Hyung had a crush on me? Seo Ji did it to make her jealous.”

After a beat, Taeil responds, “sounds like Seo Ji.”

“So why do you like her?” Taeyong presses. He gets that everyone is different, people can tolerate different things, but Seo Ji hits his current threshold.

“Well, I’m not trying to embarrass you. You could have asked me that any time, you can always ask me anything. I liked her because she liked me.”

The response is so simple and so...naive.

Taeil clears his throat. He sucks in a breath and starts to say something but he stops short.When he finally does speak:

“High school was a really traumatic time for my family.” He stops when Taeyong makes a slight noise of distress. “It’s fine. You and I aren’t close and I didn’t want _anybody_ to know.”

“Ok...” Taeyong says quietly. He feels reprimanded when he hears that but they _aren’t_ close so.

“I needed someone then. To love me, to grow with me. Maybe I should have focused more on not being a fucking mess, I dunno, but I got to know what that love and growth felt like. Even if she’s not the love my life, I’m _part_ of her.”

That’s the most Taeil’s ever talked about himself at once.

Loving someone, with your youth and inexperience, is probably life-changing. 

Even with her, it must have been nice.

“Hm,” Taeyong croaks, his throat dry. He swallows his spit. 

“We’ve been through a lot together. It’s complicated but, yes, she can be terrible. Is that what you wanted to hear?” Taeil’s laughing. Laughing while Taeyong is in distress!

“Surely someone who doesn’t worship you has told you you’re not funny.”  

“You are,” he responds. Easy as that, of course.

“Ugh.” Taeyong frowns. “I won’t pry.” 

“No, uh, sometimes I forget people might need to hear more,” Taeil speaks faintly at first. “Um...I knew how to deal with her. I still know, I guess, but...that’s part of why we broke up.” 

“Isn’t she coming home this summer?” Taeyong’s curiosity is genuine, actually, because then he could figure out where not to be when she’s here.

“Yea. She has a new boyfriend. He’s somethin’.” 

“I can only--”

There’s a loud thump on Taeil’s door, Taeyong thinks he hears Yuta.

“Fucking open it!” Taeil interrupts. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I gotta go. I’ll see you later, TY track.”

When Taeyong says _fuck off_ he hears a giggle.

Before he can say _will you_ the line is dead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's see if i can handle writing that's not for scripts (barely/i can't.) i'm just here to have funnnnnnnnnnnn
> 
> in this vers it's like your city or town that still exists as a 20-something. when theyre home they see people from high school, and the college is pretty prestigious but plenty of their peers from home are there, too.
> 
> there's the districts and they are distinct. a mile one way or a stop could mean a different type of recycling culture lol. anyway they're from seoul but obviously not the center.
> 
> (the way seoul works here in my tired brain rn is ldn or new york)
> 
> redevelopment (gentrification) is happening everywhere (similarly to the west it's also a huge problem in SK and a lot of similar concerns!) where they live their district or hamlet county whatever, they're trying to excavate some land and build a condo-town for the next 5 years.
> 
> taeyong is a journalist. what kind? investigative (mostly.) he was almost gonna be an idol but WOKE UP AND DIPPED rightfully. anyway it's not only investigative, op-eds, etc allll from his perspective. that's the allure of it. his words, his research, through his lens.

**Author's Note:**

> this will be a series of shit when i feel like it. in the same verse and ill prob make series for each verse i have (if i choose to continue)i have no time for longer more thought out stories as an unemployed, yet booked and busy, woman. i'm doing whatever i feel like that'll make me feel nice.
> 
> this is slice of life. not super sad or anything. the traumas are there but not pressing. these characters are just living through this. just a bunch of words i want to write about 20 somethings or moving on from 20 somethings experience. everyone lives these totally different lives but there's so many experiences that tie all of us together. we form a lot of the same basic understandings, feelings, bouts of nostalgia. we all know what growing pains are.
> 
> it's riddled with questions and uncertainties. i don't have a beta because i do not want to take the joy out of this, being a creative anything is hard enough lol
> 
> my twitter is @taeiljawns  
> just 2 let u no in advance, i'm a commie


End file.
